Saturday, July 23, 2011


After the recent unpleasantness with my dear estranged daughter, I decided it would be best if I took a short sabbatical from my activities in NYC. The two police officers I strangled and shoved in the pantry may have also had something to do with it, but let's not make any unfounded assumptions. In any case, after hiding dear Christine's body under the bedroom floor I fired up my Honda street bike (acquired from a lovely Chinese-looking man who most assuredly will have no further need of it) and headed out of town. Pennsylvania is truly lovely this time of year, dear readers....or it was until I drove into a storm. Driving rain, high winds, and lightning and thunder every four seconds on average. I swear, the cacophony nearly knocked me unconscious. I DESPISE noise with ever fibre of my being. Thankfully, I was near a small town called Clarion. Lovely little college town, really. The people were very friendly. When I was unable to find a hotel, a lovely couple let me stay with them for the night.

I killed them, of course. I took great pleasure in breaking the woman's kneecaps, then forcing her to watch as I strangled her husband. I ASSUME he was her husband, anyhow. Come to think of it, I can't see a ring on either of their hands. Anyhow, I took my time with the woman. After all, it had been a long ride and I was in need of a little amusement. Might I just point out how beautiful that first moment is when you cut into flesh, that initial clean separation of tissues followed by a flood of the very elixir of life itself? It's almost hauntingly elegant. I was very careful to fill the woman's mouth with her husband's vomit-covered shirt, of course, so that her screams wouldn't be heard by the neighbors. I started with her face, carving tribal designs into the delicate skin with a small scalpel before moving down to her neck and chest. I began taking her skin off one strip at a time, savoring each moment as it peeled away to reveal the raw musculature underneath. I couldn't help but smile at the terror and agony in her eyes, the silent plea for a quick death that she HAD to have realized I had no intention of granting.
But I digress.

After I removed the skin on her torso I took a quick snack break. I had all those skin strips and nothing to do with them, so I simply borrowed a skillet and a little butter and fried myself some long pig. It's quite delicious. All of you should try it some time. When I was done with that I took the skillet out to the living room where my dear plaything was stretched out and poured the grease over her raw chest. Her writhing and moaning actually enchanted me. I didn't mind getting splattered in blood as she thrashed. Actually, it was quite amusing, especially since when she finally stopped I could see the charred tissue across what had once been her breasts. I took a small sample. Not as satisfying as the skin strips, but certainly edible. My next step was to borrow a steak knife from her kitchen and shove it into her rectum. The dear woman barely reacted to this. To be honest, I was amazed that she was still conscious at all, especially since I followed it with two more knives of the same type. I was growing bored by this point, and yearning for the climax, so I decided to.....well, I believe "cut to the chase" is the proper description.

It would seem this woman made her own soap, as I found a good supply of lye and other cleaning substances in her pantry. Have you ever seen what lye does when mixed with water, my dears? It's a fascinating chemical process, and quite corrosive I might add. Well, being the kind soul I am I chose to give this woman a relatively quick ending. I borrowed her bread knife (a lovely ten-inch serrated stainless-steel OXO knife, by the way) and cut into her abdomen, exposing her internal organs. I then upended nearly a pound of lye powder into her thoracic cavity. The smell was delicious, the reaction beautiful. I must remember to buy a package of lye to carry with me in the event of impromptu stops such as this.

Have any of you ever watched a person die in front of you, my dears? It's almost a holy experience. It's fascinating to read all the little expressions in their eyes, the confusion and pain and dismay as they finally see that their lives have meant nothing....and then, just before they return to nothing more than glassy gel-filled lumps of meat, there's a split-second where they seem to see...something else. Something that none but the almost-dead can see. Perhaps it's Heaven. Perhaps it's Father. I'm not certain. All I know is that there is a Great Mystery in this world, and the last thing every person learns in this life is the answer to it. That single fleeting expression is the greatest beauty in all the world, and I fall down and worship Him in humility every time I am blessed with the opportunity to see it again.

Now that my amusement is over, I'll get back on the road. First, though, I believe I'll take a shower. I saw a lovely and expensive raspberry-scented shampoo in the bathroom that I'd like to try. And I believe I'll also take a nap. Maybe I'll even bring the woman into bed with me. I would enjoy the companionship.

Ta ta for now, my dears. I'll see you all soon.


  1. ... I already have your queen's psychotic gunman to deal with. I better not have to deal with you to.

  2. I'm sorry, dear. Do I know you?

  3. oh my sister he can't respond now he's takin a nap while me and his family have some fun

  4. I'm afraid I have NO clue what you're talking about, dears.

  5. hmm, do you not serve our great master too?

  6. If you mean Father, then yes, I do. However, that doesn't mean I know who YOU are.

  7. well, i guess he doesn't talk much about new recruits